My biggest problem in life is – People change, and forget to tell each other...
I would go as far as to compare my divorce with cancer.
Its been an absolute torturous, agonising, drawn out, suffocating, crushing experience, where in the end, when death arrives, the numbness is so overwhelming, that death is far from being the worse part.
I didnt even have chemo therapy, so the pain was constant and consuming. I never lost my hair, but I did however loose a couple of teeth (only two, due to stress OKAY) and developed a stomach ulcer.
Dearest divorce, Herewith, find my medical bills attached...
I got a call from our facilitator at 3 noon, to say that the papers are ready and we're meeting at six to sign it.... Here I was, trapped in my prison cell, waiting upon my lethal injection, due to my death sentence - and no request for a last meal.
As much as I couldnt wait to get this man, signed out of my life, signing the actual paper, is merely a formality. In all reality, getting rid of him, would take far more than just my signature. Everyone told me all the time - as soon as the papers are signed, its like going to the loo after being constipated for 8 months....not quite.
I had to initial 24 pages, against my will. It took about 25 seconds in reality, but emotionally it took 40 years – as clearly indicated by the newly found lines formed right below my eyes.
Just like dog years compared to human years...
Similar to death, your marriage vows, images of photos together, video clips, corny love songs, first farts together, engagement, fights, throwing things at each other – nothing too serious, slamming doors, kissing and making up, birth of your first born, moving into your first home – it all FLASHES through your brain, like your about to endure some epileptic fit. Some incompetent paparazzi, with his large camera and double volume flash, just snapping away, without your consent.
As much as your trying to hold on to these in a good way, they evaporate far into the universe, never to be felt or experienced ever again.
This was clearly no celebration, as I was so eagerly, confidently told by my friends. I even purchased a bottle of champagne, to cure my post divorce blues and cling my glass in the air, congratulating myself on this tremendous journey, well...the bottle is still lying in my fridge...
There were no photographers like at our wedding, capturing this “celebration” No one giving speeches of what amazing people we are, no first dance, no 4 course meal, no walking down the isle, no first kiss, no honeymoon, no champagne, no bouquet being thrown up in the air...Just me, Mr X, our witnesses and the facilitator.
After handing over the "textbook", consisting of me binding myself to some lawful agreement written out mostly in latin, my now ex husband, pulled out his hand wanting to shake mine, as a gesture of "we did it" "its over" "at last" “congratulations”
Good lord. Really? Really, really, really? We didn't accomplished anything?! Its not like we just found a solution for hill billies or a cure for womans facial hair?! Why shake my hand? What for? What an easy cop out.
At this point in time, the only hand gesture he was going to receive was my hand on his cheek, approximate speed R180km per second.
Nevertheless, I have, or I think I have, I TELL myself I have, mastered the art of calming my every grievous, flagitious thought, and narrowing them down to simple hand gestures like waving. Definitely not doing myself any justice, but at least I walk away with, uhm, er, pride?
So here I am, again. Crossroads ahead. Achievements : none. Ambitions : ? Age : 27...The great AAA.
Love stares back at me, with sarcastic, undignified hand suggestions : the good old thumbs up . The one that means, Good luck lass. Better luck next time. Like a silly thumb can establish my history in the making. Screw you thumb.
Then the “beating yourself up” emotional roller coaster starts;
How did I allow life to take me this far down the road of misfortune. How did things become so hopeless? Am I not in control of my own destiny? Am I not worth a second chance? Was it really that bad? Am I incapable of finding love?
Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occurring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives.
So ....
Stand back, Control yourself. Take only what you need from it.
TAKE ONLY WHAT YOU NEED FROM IT.
Change means movement, movement means friction. - Only in the frictionless vacuum of a nonexistent abstract world can movement or change occur without that abrasive friction of conflict - Saul Alinsky
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